Thank you so much to everyone who read my emotional blog post yesterday and either commented or sent me emails and/or messages. It was actually amazingly instantly healing to realise yet again that a) life is not easy for anyone b) I am not alone in having these feelings and c) there might be other options for tackling this other than medication again.
Whereas I see that life as a parent and an adult is not just fun, fun, fun and “pure joy” for anyone (other than those parent bloggers whose lives do seem to be all about rainbows and unicorns), I do feel that I’m feeling ‘off’ right now and that it’s not just the case of being a stressed parent of two little kids.
I do not want to accept that it’s inevitable that we all become grumpy old men and women as we age, and I do not want to accept that feeling irritated and annoyed by trivial little things is normal.
So I’m going to be trying a few new things. It is clear that without any intervention, my brain leans towards focusing on the negative (just like without intervention my body would eat muffins all day long and be chubby).
I need to therefore consciously make myself focus on the good things every day. I need to get out of bed every day telling myself “Today is going to be a good day. You are alive and the sun in shining.” etc.
I’m going to check out the meditation app called HeadSpace. I’m going to check out Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’m going to focus on the funny aspects of the kids being loud and messy because they are just kids and actually not that annoying most of the time, but amazingly clever and cute.
I’m going to eat some dark chocolate once in a while.
I’m going to get over my fear of non-organic fruit and vegetables (yeah, don’t ask :).
I’m going to just be lazy once in a while in the evenings and watch TV non-stop (I started with that last night ;).
I’m going to go out more with friends and with the Mr.
I’m going to drink alcohol when I go out.
I’m going to see the Book of Mormon on my birthday in 21 days.
I’m going to NYC in October to catch up with my American besties I haven’t seen for 6 years!
I’m going to Paris in 5 days to run a marathon and then take the kids to Disneyland!
And once my hair has grown back to a decent length, I am going to dye it blonde!
There IS actually plenty of joy in my life other than running and Crossfit, I’ve just got to open my eyes and also do more family fun stuff.
As you can tell I’m feeling a bit better today. Blogging yesterday helped a lot and MrB coming home at 7pm last night helped as well. The latter does not happen on most days but when it does happen I always notice that my blood pressure drops immediately. The evenings of dealing with The Loudness of Two Boys and this are much easier for me when he’s around.
So there are not so good days, but there are good days as well. I guess that is just how life goes. I need to be aware of my emotions every moment and actively look for the good. I will not succeed every day, but if I succeed more and more as time goes by, I’ll be ok with that.