15 In mental health/ who am I

The brain that fails me

The night before my birthday I stayed up until 4am. Sounds fun and exciting if I just say it like that but the truth is that I wasn’t out having a good time, I had a visit from good old friend Insomnia again.

I hadn’t had that much coffee that day and over the last several weeks I’ve been drinking mostly decaf anyway, so I got confirmation that my insomnia has nothing to do with caffeine. Instead, the lyrics of “I’ve got 99 problems but the *caffeine* ain’t one” kept running through my head.

Thank g*d it’s not the coffee though, right? Coffee is like manna from heaven and decaf, even the best kind, tastes a bit weird 😐

But back to insomnia – it sucks. We’ve only seen each other on and off for a few months, but I’m not in love. I want to break up.

Sadly the anxiety/depression/stress that’s causing it isn’t as easy to fix as switching to decaf would be.

It’s a really weird feeling actually, not being able to sleep because of anxiety. It feels like someone’s sitting on your chest and you heartbeat is a million times faster than normal and not in your chest but at the back of your head. I try breathing really slowly or counting numbers but nothing works. Nothing other than just waiting for the body to reach the point of total exhaustion.

On my birthday morning I woke up at 7:30 and actually got out of bed when most weekends I stay in bed for a bit longer than that. I knew MrB was making waffles so I wanted to join the family for breakfast and open my presents.

When I got downstairs something really trivial happened and then someone sat on my chest again (not literally although the kids do do that as well).  I could not breathe well for the rest of the day and I couldn’t talk since my heart was thumping at the back of my neck/head again. I couldn’t get the words out.

In the early afternoon I tried to have a nap but couldn’t. At that point I felt like one does when one’s hung over and jetlagged at the same time. I took a shower and took out my leftover box of Citalopram.

I do not like the feeling of being sat on and suffocated. I do not like the feeling of not being able to talk about my feelings out loud (writing is MUCH easier).

I took the pill.

And for the past 2 days I’ve taken another 10mg each morning. And soon I’ll go to a GP and get the prescription renewed and keep taking it.

I don’t want to analyse right now whether I’m doing the right thing or whether I’ve failed in this whole ‘mind over matter’ thing. I just don’t want to feel the way I do right now.

And the people around me need me to have my shit together. There are 4 other people in my household and they are all affected by my mental health. I don’t want to keep making their lives a misery (just how exactly I’m doing that at the moment I’m not sharing, even I have limits of how much I share with the Internet 🙂

I figure what I want out of life is to be healthy and happy. I’m doing everything I can to make that happen – I’m eating all the right things, I’m exercising all the right amounts (and then some), I’m trying not to sweat the small stuff… And yet I’m not sleeping and I walk around with my heart thumping at the back of my head.


And just like the body needs exercise and the right food, it equally needs not to be stressed and it needs to sleep.

Maybe one day I’ll come off the medication again but right now I am tired. I’m tired of fighting this thing so I’m throwing my hands up and saying that as badass as I am, I cannot get out of this without a little help again.

P.S. Depression is such a hard thing to describe to people who have never experienced it. I found a great list of what it can feel like here, not all of these apply to any person at one time, but most of them probably do.

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  • Reply
    May 1, 2014 at 11:57 am

    It helps me when I write these things and it’s good to hear that it helps others as well when they read these things 🙂

  • Reply
    April 26, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Breaks my heart a little to read that you think you’re failing because you’re not. You’ve recognised that it’s becoming an issue again and you’re doing something about it. That is certainly not failing and you are an incredibly strong person x

    • Reply
      May 1, 2014 at 11:56 am

      Thank you. It’s just I thought that maybe I could eat and exercise myself out of this hole. Both of these things definitely keep me not falling too deep in but a part of me wanted to believe that I’m a superwoman and won’t ever need medication again.

  • Reply
    April 24, 2014 at 8:00 am

    I know how you feel..Of course I’m not battling with parenting and everything else whilst feeling awful but I lost 3 nights last week to niggles, worries and creating situations I could do nothing about/and or may never happen..Only to start the day feeling low, weak and absolutely exhausted!
    Hope you get some well deserved rest soon 🙂

  • Reply
    April 23, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    I think we may be in similar places and it really, truly does suck. I hope you start feeling better and sleeping better soon.

    • Reply
      April 25, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      A few people have contacted me saying they are in the same boat. May the global healing begin! 🙂

  • Reply
    FromFun ToMum
    April 23, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    I’m sorry to read this. Best of luck in your journey to feeling good again. Insomnia and depression are both hideous things so do what you need to do to get them both under control xx

    • Reply
      April 25, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      Thank you, I’m feeling better already after making the decision (talking and writing about it helps as well).

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