In case you missed my birthday post, I turned 39 at the end of April.
For several months before that date I was seriously struggling with what I think was nothing but a good old fashioned midlife crisis – constant panicking/anxiety (more than usual :), a massive case of FOMO (fear of missing out), feeling completely invisible and insignificant, seeing only wrinkles when I looked in the mirror, constantly doing something I always tell others not to do in any situation – comparing myself to somebody else. In this case, comparing myself to everyone younger than me.
The inner turmoil was something serious. At any point in time I either wanted to run away to a tropical island, get a new tattoo (or 5), quit this blog and all social media, get a face lift, or a boob job, or a divorce (seriously, there were moments…)
Thankfully I did none of those things and then one day after the birthday had come and gone, I all of a sudden felt calm.
Nothing specific or significant happened, the crisis just left. Poof. Just like that.
It hit me that my 39 years are not my burden or my baggage, they are actually my huge humongous chest of treasure.
I have done a lot in those years, I have lived in several countries, starting with swapping ex Soviet Union for the USA at the age of 17 – talk about a culture shock of all culture shocks.
I have met a LOT of amazing people from all over the world that I can now and forever call my friends.
I have been pregnant three times, I have given birth twice, I have lost and I have gained, I have been through PND more than once.
I have been married for almost 15 years. We run, ride, climb, swim and Crossfit together. And some of it separately as well as everyone needs to be their own person (which makes me think I should give up this online name of “MrsB” – ?).
Considering that no adult actually knows what exactly they’re doing and everyone’s just winging it the best they can – we’re winging this adulthood thing like the best of them.
And now that my days are ticking towards the big 4-0, I have no FOMO, I have no bucket-list, I have no 40-Things-to-Do-Before-40 list. I keep thinking I SHOULD do something BIG for my 40th but I can’t think of anything!
Life as it is right here, right now is as good as it gets.
Who knows whether another wave of midlife crisis will hit me in the future, but if it does, I’ll ride it out like I’ve done with any other storm that’s hit me before. It’ll be choppy and scary at times, but every storm comes to an end at some point.
THAT is the kind of wisdom you gain once you reach my age! 🙂