23 In mental health/ who am I

Possibly permanently glitchy brain

For weeks I have felt like I needed to write an update on my mental health but I haven’t known how. Glitchy brain chemistry is complicated. I have been on and off Citalopram for the past 4 years now, my latest off spell, a 7-month one, ended a few weeks ago.

It’s weird to describe what I have. I function, I exercise, I don’t cry, I don’t think people hate me, I don’t think I’m a loser, I don’t sleep all the time. The only way I can usually tell that my brain is struggling again is when the love is gone. When everything sort of works but when there is no joy. When I find life overwhelming and my kids exhausting (like all.the.time). When I feel that my family cares for me but doesn’t love me more than they have to. When I feel that my friends enjoy being around me once in a while but aren’t that into me. When I feel that the only time I’m feeling, really feeling anything is when I’m exercising. When I feel that since I cannot spend all my days exercising I’m unhappy about it. When I find myself craving feelings and being constantly restless inside for reasons I cannot articulate even to myself, I know it’s time to help my brain out a little bit again.

Depression for me is the stealer of feelings and the liar that tells me that those who love me don’t love me more than they are obligated to.

I know that life isn’t all happy days 24/7, I’m ok with ups and downs. When the ups and downs disappear and everything sort of flatlines, then I know I’m in trouble.

I told you I don’t know how to write about this 🙂

It’s complicated.

All I know is that I’ve learned to spot when I’m feeling ‘off’ for longer than is normal, for so long that it’s starting to affect those around me. Judge me not for taking medication, it truly is complicated…

One of my favourite shirts says this:

and I always think it means that I am in charge. That whatever decision I make, even the one to take medication, means that I am in charge.

Over & out. Onwards & upwards.

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  • Reply
    October 11, 2015 at 3:36 am

    Why would anyone judge you for taking medication? It’s like a diabetic saying ‘don’t judge me for taking insulin.’ Do people really give you a hard time about this?

    • Reply
      October 14, 2015 at 9:43 am

      Thankfully most people I know well do not give me hard time about it. And I make sure I keep myself away from those on social media and blogs who cure themselves of EVERYTHING just by eating right and working out a bit…

      • Reply
        Jennifer Steen Booher
        October 14, 2015 at 10:10 am

        Oh right, those people. I do know some like that. I started avoiding them when I was sick. You seem to have the eating-right-and-exercising thing down better than anyone I know! Depression lies, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with it.

  • Reply
    Anna @AnnaTheApple
    October 9, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    It must be very frustrating and very hard at times. My sister has depression and it comes in waves, like you said. Some days she’s absolutely fine but then some days it’s like she shut everyone out and only the darkness in her head is there 🙁

  • Reply
    October 7, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    I admire your honesty and openness in dealing with such a personal topic. Keep your chin up. After the dark comes light.

    • Reply
      October 7, 2015 at 5:57 pm

      To be honest I find it uncomfortable talking about it. However, this is sort of how this blog came to be (after 7 years of being a mummy blogger 🙂 – after my initial PND so I’ve always updated on this topic every now and then. It’s important to talk about mental health as well as physical health but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard… Or that it doesn’t leave you feeling just a little bit too vulnerable and open to criticism sometimes…

  • Reply
    October 7, 2015 at 4:08 pm

    Been there, done that. And definitely not judging. But for myself I found some truth in the following:
    “In modern society most of us don’t want to be in touch with ourselves; we want to be in touch with other things like religion, sports, politics, a book – we want to forget ourselves. Anytime we have leisure, we want to invite something else to enter us, opening ourselves to the television and telling the television to come and colonize us.”
    ― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

    • Reply
      October 8, 2015 at 10:40 am

      That is way too deep for my brain to understand 😀

    • Reply
      October 8, 2015 at 10:42 am

      I keep coming back to face the fact that my brain does need medication once in a while. But I still feel a bit bad, like I should be able to get it under control with exercise and eating right, etc. I know it’s not that easy (obviously 🙂 but I’m still struggling with the fact that I can’t fix myself…

  • Reply
    October 7, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Some brains just don’t produce enough serotonin. There is nothing you can do about it other than help it produce more. It’s good you are able to gauge yourself so well. I’m still working on that part!

    • Reply
      October 8, 2015 at 10:43 am

      It always takes me months to figure things out. Then once I do, I look back and see the signs of a downhill slide going way back… It truly is complicated 😐

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