For weeks I have felt like I needed to write an update on my mental health but I haven’t known how. Glitchy brain chemistry is complicated. I have been on and off Citalopram for the past 4 years now, my latest off spell, a 7-month one, ended a few weeks ago.
It’s weird to describe what I have. I function, I exercise, I don’t cry, I don’t think people hate me, I don’t think I’m a loser, I don’t sleep all the time. The only way I can usually tell that my brain is struggling again is when the love is gone. When everything sort of works but when there is no joy. When I find life overwhelming and my kids exhausting (like all.the.time). When I feel that my family cares for me but doesn’t love me more than they have to. When I feel that my friends enjoy being around me once in a while but aren’t that into me. When I feel that the only time I’m feeling, really feeling anything is when I’m exercising. When I feel that since I cannot spend all my days exercising I’m unhappy about it. When I find myself craving feelings and being constantly restless inside for reasons I cannot articulate even to myself, I know it’s time to help my brain out a little bit again.
Depression for me is the stealer of feelings and the liar that tells me that those who love me don’t love me more than they are obligated to.
I know that life isn’t all happy days 24/7, I’m ok with ups and downs. When the ups and downs disappear and everything sort of flatlines, then I know I’m in trouble.
I told you I don’t know how to write about this 🙂
It’s complicated.
All I know is that I’ve learned to spot when I’m feeling ‘off’ for longer than is normal, for so long that it’s starting to affect those around me. Judge me not for taking medication, it truly is complicated…
One of my favourite shirts says this:
and I always think it means that I am in charge. That whatever decision I make, even the one to take medication, means that I am in charge.
Over & out. Onwards & upwards.
23 Comments
Jenn
October 11, 2015 at 3:36 amWhy would anyone judge you for taking medication? It’s like a diabetic saying ‘don’t judge me for taking insulin.’ Do people really give you a hard time about this?
MrsB
October 14, 2015 at 9:43 amThankfully most people I know well do not give me hard time about it. And I make sure I keep myself away from those on social media and blogs who cure themselves of EVERYTHING just by eating right and working out a bit…
Jennifer Steen Booher
October 14, 2015 at 10:10 amOh right, those people. I do know some like that. I started avoiding them when I was sick. You seem to have the eating-right-and-exercising thing down better than anyone I know! Depression lies, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with it.
Anna @AnnaTheApple
October 9, 2015 at 2:28 pmIt must be very frustrating and very hard at times. My sister has depression and it comes in waves, like you said. Some days she’s absolutely fine but then some days it’s like she shut everyone out and only the darkness in her head is there 🙁
krambam
October 8, 2015 at 10:42 am@MrsB_LDN Such a great blog. I never really thought of my depression as it “steals joy” until I read it, but that’s a perfect explanation.
Renee Kyle
October 7, 2015 at 11:04 pmRenee Kyle liked this on Facebook.
Moo West
October 7, 2015 at 11:04 pmMoo West liked this on Facebook.
Noel
October 7, 2015 at 4:25 pmI admire your honesty and openness in dealing with such a personal topic. Keep your chin up. After the dark comes light.
MrsB
October 7, 2015 at 5:57 pmTo be honest I find it uncomfortable talking about it. However, this is sort of how this blog came to be (after 7 years of being a mummy blogger 🙂 – after my initial PND so I’ve always updated on this topic every now and then. It’s important to talk about mental health as well as physical health but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard… Or that it doesn’t leave you feeling just a little bit too vulnerable and open to criticism sometimes…
ingrid
October 7, 2015 at 4:08 pmBeen there, done that. And definitely not judging. But for myself I found some truth in the following:
“In modern society most of us don’t want to be in touch with ourselves; we want to be in touch with other things like religion, sports, politics, a book – we want to forget ourselves. Anytime we have leisure, we want to invite something else to enter us, opening ourselves to the television and telling the television to come and colonize us.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace
MrsB
October 8, 2015 at 10:40 amThat is way too deep for my brain to understand 😀
Maie Moussa
October 7, 2015 at 3:34 pmMaie Moussa liked this on Facebook.
Hannah Rogers
October 7, 2015 at 3:34 pmHannah Rogers liked this on Facebook.
Beth Massey
October 7, 2015 at 3:34 pmBeth Massey liked this on Facebook.
Beth Massey
October 7, 2015 at 3:33 pmMedication for my anxiety/OCD type condition has been a game changer for me. I saw my consultant for the first time in a year on Monday and I’m booked in to see him in a year’s time. We agree that, for me, I will continue to take my meds on a long term basis.
Everyone’s situation is different and everyone’s response to medication is different but, for me, it helps big time. I feel no stigma about taking it.
Hang in there Mrs B xx
MrsB
October 8, 2015 at 10:42 amI keep coming back to face the fact that my brain does need medication once in a while. But I still feel a bit bad, like I should be able to get it under control with exercise and eating right, etc. I know it’s not that easy (obviously 🙂 but I’m still struggling with the fact that I can’t fix myself…
Emma Rubenstein
October 7, 2015 at 2:36 pmEmma Rubenstein liked this on Facebook.
Kai Ri
October 7, 2015 at 2:36 pmKai Ri liked this on Facebook.
Mind over Matter
October 7, 2015 at 2:07 pmEmpty & flat is exactly what it feels like… Unless I’m at Crossfit or running, then I feel great 🙂
Amanda Jayne Moo
October 7, 2015 at 1:50 pmVery brave thing to write. Depression for me is emptiness & confusion. People assume depression is feeling sad all the time. I’d rather feel sad about something than empty and flat about everything. People need to talk about this stuff more.
Brooke Wess
October 7, 2015 at 1:50 pmBrooke Wess liked this on Facebook.
Brooke
October 7, 2015 at 1:40 pmSome brains just don’t produce enough serotonin. There is nothing you can do about it other than help it produce more. It’s good you are able to gauge yourself so well. I’m still working on that part!
MrsB
October 8, 2015 at 10:43 amIt always takes me months to figure things out. Then once I do, I look back and see the signs of a downhill slide going way back… It truly is complicated 😐