I think about death a lot.
In my past life I was a born-again Christian who went to church 2-3 times a week and ‘preached’ how god sets you free from fear. I realise now that I actually lived in a lot of fear. Fear that good people would go to hell. Fear that maybe I might, if I didn’t believe enough, pray enough, do enough.
Since I distanced myself from organised religion almost 2 decades ago, found peace between just me and god, I can say that I have no more fear.
God is not black and white. Life is not black and white. Death is not black and white.
There are no simple answers but I now for the first time believe that god is much more open minded and understanding than any organised religion makes him/her out to be.
Life is currently busy as heck and work is the most stressful that it’s ever been for me in the 20 years since I’ve had a job… and then there’s Brexit and the beautiful 100-year summer coming to an end – but every morning that I wake up I have 24 hours. A new set of 24 hours.
I do the things that need to get done in the life of an employee and a parent, and then I run or lift or sleep. I take an hour or more every day for me because I can. Because it’s MY life, my body, my day, my 24 hours.
Often I’m in a moment and I think what a great memory this is. When running in the sun, or laughing with my kids, or just joking around with my husband. I’m present, yet trying to photograph the moment into my brain. Remember this, brain, capture this, hold this. THIS is a great moment.
Like just now lying on the floor with my 9-year old listening to Metallica and getting all emotional and he just says after a minute “Ummm, this is nice… but can I go now?”
I tried 🙂
I love writing and taking photos. It’s a more permanent way or remembering things, I guess. I have a private photo site that has photos from December 2000 onwards when I got married.
I have not more than 10 black and white photos from my own childhood. There are lots of images in my head though but with time they’re staring to fade so I’ve been writing them down. It’s not so easy anymore, time is a great eraser of moments that are not talked about, written about or photographed.
At this point I’m very close to running off in a million different tangents so I’m going to stop.
If you want to read truly beautiful words about all kinds of deep and meaningful, go to Rebecca Woolf’s Instagram account. She lost her husband on Friday and her words will change you within.