Mornings have never been so relaxing. At least not since the summers of my childhood when we didn’t have school for 3 months and every day we would slowly wake not long before midday.
After decades of school & university & work & early-bird babies, it’s taken a global pandemic to take me back to slow mornings.
I lie in bed for almost an hour after my husband wakes up at 7. Stretching my body & feeling the sunlight that presses against the blinds, bringing in heat but not yet the light that would pry my eyes wide open.
There is a war going on outside our four walls but inside I feel safe. I’m loving the days with all my boys – the little ones getting on with online school like champs, no supervision from us needed, other than the provision of food every hour on the hour.
Once a day we go out for an hour-long walk. We find new paths with the least amount of people and talk about the world and some nonsense as well to lighten the mood. My little kid and I love to put on accents copying the characters from Derry Girls or Little Britain. My teenager doesn’t find it amusing but if we get too carried away, he just walks 10m ahead of us. He’s my sensible kid who likes to talk about history and Minecraft and the current state of the world.
We’re safe in our bubble. I’m not 100s of miles away 3 days a week, the kids are not commuting 2 hours a day to school every day. We’re together and they’re under my wings and I feel safe (just as long as they remember to wash their hands as vigorously as I do every 20 minutes).
I’m finding so much peace in the midst of this pandemic, in this new life where all I do is work and exercise and eat and feed my children and read and watch TV. I haven’t worn anything but leggings and hoodies for weeks, not to mention bras (other than for running) or make up or shoes that are not sneakers. I haven’t joined any Zoom house parties or started to sing out my window. My family in my four walls is enough for me.
Yet I often don’t sleep well, I have dreams that are always a variation from my standard panic dreams of packing and not being able to get all my ‘shit together’. I’ve had dreams about having to take professional photos at an event but the camera given to me had 4 lenses attached to each other and I just could not get ANY of them to focus. I’ve also had dreams of being at uni and failing some classes and not knowing why… or being on an Amazing Race type of show and getting lost and upsetting others and creating enemies…
And my fingernails are disappearing. I’ve been working on eliminating them since I was 5, picking and picking to make them ‘tidy’ and ‘even’ and in the process of course totally destroying them. Current situation is not good. But in the scheme of things, if the only thing that succumbs to my anxiety is my nails, so be it. There are worse things one could lose in a global epidemic. I’m counting my blessings. Every single day.